What I Want

Just putting this out there. Lately I've been thinking a lot about what it would be like to be married and to have babies. I see other people in relationships, fictional and non-fictional, and I've just been thinking a lot about how I have never been in a relationship before and when it might ever happen. I got to thinking what I might want in an ideal relationship/marriage.

I've always figured that I probably won't get married until I'm closer to 30 because of my commitment-phobia. Also because I just don't get asked on dates. I've been on 3 dates. One was prom and one was a blind date. Only 2 guys in my entire existence as a human have put themselves out there and shown attention to me and though I was flattered by it, I kind of freaked out. I am such a "what if?" person. I always think ahead. So if a guy starts paying attention to me, I will probably be flattered and depending on how interesting I find him, I will encourage him or not. If we go on a date and he continues to pay attention to me afterwards, then my "what ifs" start coming into play and I freak myself out before anything even happens. After only ONE date. Now, I don't have a whole lot of experience. I might be able to manage to calm myself down again and convince myself that maybe I like the guy and that everything is going to be OK. But who knows! Because I've only been on one date where the guy continued his attentions afterwards and I really did not return his favors, so I didn't want to talk myself out of it.

I just want a relationship where we can have some witty banter, but still totally care deeply about each other. Because I do care deeply about people if I let myself. I want it where we just have this connection where we understand each other without having to do a lot of explaining. But I still want to be able to talk. Lots of high fives and hugs and stuff like best friends, because that’s what I want us to be, just a step above. He should have a relatively similar sense of humor as me so we can joke around with each other, tease each other, and make each other laugh. We should have no problem with showing/expressing affection, but not be too overly mushy-gushy (because I don’t think I could do that. Besides, that just makes everybody else uncomfortable). I don’t care too much about what the guy himself is like (his looks, his flaws, etc) as long as we can have this kind of relationship. (Don't get me wrong, because I will take some things into consideration).

It may or may not happen, but this is what I'm looking for. I believe it's what I will be happiest with.