Success

I am in a bit of a dark place in my life right now. I feel like I am at a crossroads in my life with so many paths I could take which could lead to such different things. It's scary choosing a path, and a bit stressful. The fear of failure, the fear of the unknown, the fear of "what if I make the wrong choice?", and so many others.

So many people have different conceptions of what "success" is. It appears that I am sitting here at home, seemingly not moving forward, so these people around me (usually older people) try to prompt me with what their idea of moving forward and being successful is. A college degree is the most common denominator. Any time someone hears I'm not in school, the first question out of their mouth is "why not?". Or if not, you can just see it burning in their eyes.

I know that a college degree can get you far in life, most successful people have one. And believe me, I have seen those applications for the higher paying jobs, "must have degree in (whatever field)". So I understand why people think that I should be in school. However, what I don't appreciate is the judgement and the pushing of their beliefs on me. I can just SEE it every time someone finds out I'm not in school. They assume I'm sitting around doing nothing, not bettering myself. It's as if going to school is the ONLY way you can do something with your life, and I find it rather irritating.

Since my goals don't match up with my mentors; and acquaintances', I kind of feel like they're living through me, like they regret doing or not doing something so they want to fix it through me. While it's not exactly a bad thing for the older generation to advise the younger, there is a limit. Times and ideas change, and people lead their own lives and make their own mistakes. It's how we learn.

It's a rather long, kind of depressing story why I left school which you can read HERE in full. I was going to go on a mission, but then that went down the tubes for the same reason. It seemed that absolutely nothing was going right for me. Every time I chose a path at my crossroads, I would have to take a U-turn and would end up right back at the beginning. So, I've been stuck at my crossroads for a while, just working at Togo's and doing pretty much nothing (as people assumed), feeling useless and undirected. One night, I did actually kneel down and pour out my heart to the Lord. At this point, I had been writing in my book for a month or so, already determined to finish it, but after I said that prayer, I got this feeling that I needed to finish it. That that was what I had to do. It was not an overwhelming, hit-you-over-the-head feeling or anything like people often describe, but it just felt so... right.

Ever since then, I was more determined than ever. There have been set-backs and I've had lots of inner-turmoil. "What if it's not good enough? What if it doesn't get accepted? What if this is all for not? What will I do then? I'll be right back where I started again". But I try not to let those thoughts get me down and try to remember that out of all those paths at my crossroads, this was the only one I ever had even  an inkling of a feeling about.

People around me don't help. While lots of them are impressed and will make comments like "oh make sure I get a signed copy when it comes out" or something, I will sometimes get those comments, "ooh, that's tough. Do you realize how difficult it is to get a book published?" or "good for you, going against those college graduate writers". Really? Bringing up the degree again? Just... argh! Some of the best writers never went to school! I just take it as the adversary trying to draw me away from my goal. Whatever's at the end of it all, I don't know. All I know is that this is what I should be doing.

I apologize for this sort of rant-y post, but I had to put my thoughts out there.