The Complicated Language of Love

Now that I suddenly find myself back in the world of hanging around people my age, I find myself back in the dating game. And it SUCKS! For the past two semesters, I have gone through so many ups and downs on this stupid roller coaster on the way to finding my eternal companion. No, I am not going to give any specifics, but as I’ve been going through this, it’s caused me to really think about the mystery that is love. I’ve been evaluating myself and others, trying to figure it all out. 

HOW MANY DATES?

I think that a lot of people (myself often included) have this idea that you need to be immediately attracted to a person when you go on the first date. (Some of my roommates last semester would talk about this idea a lot.) Or even if you give the person a chance and you go on a date with them, you might think they’re cool, but you aren’t attracted to them... so you decide not to pursue it. Is that really the right course? Is it possible to become attracted to them? If you think they’re cool, maybe you should go on at least another date and keep your mind open. 

I always say yes to the first date, because I think I should always give the guy a chance, but I have never been on a second date... I’ve only been asked for one twice, but I turned both of them down in the mindset that I wasn’t interested and didn’t want to pursue anything. Was that right? Should I have given it a go? Could I have become interested if I kept my mind open?

But then another problem arises if I try going on another date or two and I realize I really am not interested, but the guy is. Then he asks me out again and I have to say no. Well, after like five dates, he might’ve fallen harder for me than just one and it’ll hurt more. It could be seen as “leading him on.” Do you see the dilemma? 

So what does one do? As I said, I always say yes to the first date (unless the guy’s a creeper or whatever), but won’t say yes to another if I’m not feelin’ it afterwards. However, I’m beginning to question that idea. Because it may be possible that one date isn’t enough to gage your feelings. I’m thinking maybe two, even three dates would suffice. Of course, it depends on the guy. There are some guys that you can tell are really clingy and/or who are already falling for you hard and you don’t want to go on two or three dates only to crush them at the end of it.

Now, something I should explain to any guys reading this post: This does not apply to every single individual, so do not take it as gospel. This is just a general thing I’ve observed and experienced... 

Guys tend to view dates (at least the first few) as casual activities where they can just get to know a girl and have fun. Girls also see them as this, but with something a little extra. They’re already thinking ahead. 

First date is just the casual, getting to know you part. Second date- “OMG, he’s interested in me because he asked me out again!” Third- “He’s definitely interested. Does he want a relationship? Where is this going?” Fourth- “He must want a relationship.” And so on. Beware the overthinking female.

DO I LIKE THEM?

I know I tend to have a problem where I get confused when someone else likes me first. “Do I like them too?” My initial reaction is usually to reject it. I guess I don’t want to have to deal with it? Or maybe I’m scared? Maybe a bit of both. Because what if I do like them? Well then what? So usually I don’t think too deeply about it and decide that I don’t like them like that. I’ll go on the one date with them and then say goodbye. 

I’ve seen this problem in others. We think (often subconsciously) that we need to like the other person first. We recognize our own feelings right away when we like someone, but when someone else approaches us unexpectedly with these feelings, it’s like pure chaos! Nope! Sorry! I don’t think of you that way! ...But what if we really stopped to think about it and give it a chance? Could you like them? Love is a dastardly thing. It’s just not easy!

You’ve got to be brave sometimes and give it a chance. Life's all about trying and succeeding or failing. I have an intense fear of rejection, so I don't like doing it to others. I think that's part of the reason why I like cutting things off before they even start. Because what if it turns out I don't like them? I'll have to reject them when it's even worse. Best cut it off now. 
I’m trying to be better at not immediately rejecting everything that comes at me. I have a problem where I always make a plan in my head... and it never works out. However, whenever something comes into play that messes with my plan, I reject it (i.e. an unexpected boy appears). I need to stop! 

I know we hear these stories about how someone was sitting in class and then one day this girl walked in and at that moment they had a thought, “I’m going to marry that girl,” then a year later they were married. I think that’s a very rare occurrence. For me, it’s utter bullcrap. My imagination’s too crazy for me to interpret fantasy from a genuine thought like that. If I ever have even the smallest thought like that, I immediately push it aside like, “Nope! You don’t know that! Don’t be stupid!” Getting married or even getting in a relationship is not so simple as many people make it sound.

BEING "IN LOVE"

I've never been "in love", so I have no idea what that remarkable sensation is like. However, I have observed plenty of couples to have come up with a theory. My three steps of a relationship: attraction/being "in lust", being in love/the honeymoon phase, and reality.

Allow me to explain: 

1) Attraction/being "in lust": The initial attraction of two people is more often than not based on small, trivial, physical things; physical attraction being the big one, similar interests, first impressions of certain things (they're smart, they're funny, etc). This remains the case for the first several dates while the couple is getting to know each other. Those tingly feelings (I have personally experienced) are not "love". I call them "lust", although that makes it sound sinful. However, "lust" is defined as "an intense desire of the body." You simply want to get to know this person better and are excited by the thought of them. You have "an intense desire" to be around them. Some people have this desire so intense that they misinterpret their feelings as "love", so they skip over the second step and get married right away.

2) The second step I have not personally experienced: being in love/the honeymoon phase. At some point, the couple moves out of this "intense desire" phase and into "love." I have absolutely NO idea what that is like, how it happens, when it happens, or anything. I do know that love is purer than lust. It's more than just an intense desire to be around them, but something... more. Being in love is all blissful happiness and couples always feel like they can conquer the world as long as they're together. This is what I call the "honeymoon phase." Because somewhere in this time is when people decide to get married and go on their honeymoon. Life is so perfect and grand for a time. Like the honeymoon will never end.

3) Until the last step which is reality. Now, I don't mean to imply that you always fall out of love once this sets in, but I've seen it happen. That's why the divorce rate is so high. The people who get married during the "in lust" phase often get divorced because they didn't have time to give their relationship a chance and see if they were really "in love." Those who really are in love finally start to see reality and begin to work together as a team. Of course there's trials and tribulations, but if the couple really do love one another they CAN conquer anything like they thought. 

Just an opinion based on observations.

RELATIONSHIPS

Now, I’ve never been in a relationship, so I’m really not fully qualified to speak on the subject, but I still have opinions. 

I have met a wide range of boys (that makes it sound like I hang around tons and tons of guys. I don’t really. I’ve just met a lot). And I’ve gone on a reasonable amount of dates. I have seen two types of guys: the over-attentive ones and the aloof ones (of course there are others, but let's just focus on those). Now, as a friend, I don’t mind the guy being a little aloof. I’m not a super needy person overall (most of the time). However, upon observing some couples and from personal experience on dates, etc, I have to say, you cannot be like that in a relationship! You need to pay your girl attention! Let her know you care; be by her side, call her, talk to her, take her places, whatever it takes. You can hang out with friends and talk to other people, but don’t abandon her and/or ignore her. She needs to feel like she’s important and special in your life. As Rihanna says, "Make [her] feel like [she's] the only girl in the world."

On the other end of the scale, there’s the over-attentive guys who over-do all that stuff so much that it becomes a nuisance. You’re constantly calling her, you never leave her side, you compliment her on literally everything that it doesn’t feel special anymore, in an attempt to be gentlemanly, she’s not allowed to do anything, and so on.

Girls are not off the hook for any of this stuff either though. I’ve seen aloof and overly-attentive girls too.
Everyone, find a balance somewhere in between.

In my mind, the ideal relationship should be evenly balanced. Both partners should not only respect and love one another, but should also complete each other. What I mean by that is one of two things: two opposites come together and compliment one another or two similar halves come together to make a whole. I’ve seen couples with two complete opposite personalities joined together who work remarkably well with one another. They even each other out and are happy. Then, I’ve seen couples who share many common interests and personality traits who are equally happy because they understand one another on a different level. Both types are compatible and both take a lot of work!

In any case, a spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend should be your best friend. Someone you get along really well with, someone you can have fun with, someone you can talk to, someone you’re comfortable around, someone you work well with, someone who understands you and knows you better than anybody (except maybe your parents, but even that could be debatable in some cases), and, most importantly, someone who makes you happy. 

CONCLUSION

I know this all seems impossible to find now, but I believe it can be done. Sometimes I (and others) think, “How can I possibly be a good husband/wife? I’m horrible at [insert relationship expectancy here].” I believe that once the right person comes along, you’ll just feel the need to do all these things. It will all just click. I’m holding out for a little longer! All this crap I’m going through right now ought to be worth something spectacular in the end! My husband is going to be frikin’ AWESOME!!!