Flirting and Relationships- Laying Out Your Coals

Ah, Mormon culture... Don't you just hate it sometimes? Particularly when you're a young adult with so much pressure on you already with trying to figure out what the heck you're trying to do with your life, then there's this added pressure of "you need to get married as soon as possible, preferably before your late 20's." It's a little stressful, because everyone is in that mindset and if you're not in that mindset, you're surrounded by others who are and you're just like "NO! STOP!!!"

I mean, literally, I meet a new guy and I can actually see it in their eyes, they gage me out: "Is this girl dating material?" That is their first question! Not "huh, she's cool, I would like to get to know her." No, it's "she's kinda cute. I MUST ASK HER OUT!!!" It's like a reflex.

For me, personally, there is nothing more stressful than a formal date if I don't already have some background on the person. I know that a date is a way of getting to know someone, but I am just so on edge and super nervous through the whole thing. And you know what I do when I'm nervous? Talk. I talk a lot. I'm pretty sure I've ended up sharing too much on more than one occasion.
My point here is that I think guys should lay at least a little bit of ground work before asking a girl out. Get to know her outside of such a formal, stressful situation. Don't be all dumb and aloof though (because that's the worst kind of flirting), just be nice and friendly. Figure out her interests, ask things you might ask on a first date, so that way when you actually go on a first date, it won't feel as awkward and tense. If you're a guy, you can figure out what she likes to do and take her for a date there (and not end up taking her somewhere she hates by mistake). Yes, I know, people are worried that someone else might ask them out first, but here's the thing, friendship is the foundation of a really good relationship. If you become really close to someone and he/she takes you for granted (aka the "friendzone"... I will cover that in a moment), they may not be worth your time after all.

Now, as for flirting... I despise the entire thing, mostly because I suck at it. A guy flirting typically consists of him showing off, asserting his manliness, and just being overall testosterone-y. A girl, in response, (not to be offensive), typically acts a little dumber and more helpless in an effort to allow the guy to come "help" them and show off their skills and manliness. Don't get me wrong, this is just the flirting part. Flirting is how people meet and start talking to each other before they start dating. Usually, after they start dating, they stop acting so ridiculous and resume normal behavior. Flirting is just an effort to impress and get the attention of someone you're attracted to. AND I HATE IT!!! As I said, girls usually act dumber and allow the guys to "help" them with things. They are impressed by the guys showing off for them (their muscles, their manliness, etc). I am not. Anytime a guy starts showing off for me, I am immediately unimpressed and/or I just don't care. I am a little competitive too, so if a guy starts either physically or mentally showing off, I will respond by doing the same thing and will either try to one-up or even the playing field... This is usually a turn off for guys because they want to be the big strong ones. But I just can't help it! Also, if I ever find someone I think is attractive, I simply cannot make myself all giggly and silly. I have this mental tick where I don't want to look stupid especially if it might not be worth it. Thus, I usually end up doing nothing and the guy has no idea. Even when I'm on a date and I'm not immediately repelled by the guy, I cannot do anything to act interested because I feel like it makes me look stupid. Then the guy thinks I'm not interested and moves on. FLIRTING IS DUMB!!!

Now, the "friendzone." I hear people complaining about this all the time. I recently watched a video that explained that the "friendzone" doesn't exist. It is a state of mind. Not their state of mind, OUR state of mind. We just need to be brave enough to break out of the "zone" and do something about our situation. 1) Act mysterious 2) Go out with other people 3) Cut the perpetrator out of your life (because you don't need that presence holding you back)... If they like you enough, they will come knocking on your door, suddenly seeing you in a new light. If they don't, they're not worth it. I've never tried this myself, but my point is, if you have tried laying some ground work with a person, but then found yourself in the "friendzone," just realize that it's all in your head. You need to step up and do something about it.
I should mention though, if you do something about it and you are rejected, that is okay. Just because you went through all that work to become their friend does not give you the right to date this person. If you are only in the friendship to get the date, you are a shallow human being. I had a guy act super friendly towards me for weeks (it was so obvious what he was trying to do). I was just waiting for him to make his move (but kind of dreading it because I didn't want to date a coworker). He finally (sort of) asked me out and I went, but then I rejected any further advances because, like I said, I didn't want to date a coworker. Ever since then, he's barely talked to me. He's been nice, but definitely not as friendly as he was. DO NOT DO THIS!!! Remember, it is okay to be just friends. Getting to know people is a good thing. It's only if you are stuck on one person and it is preventing you from meeting other people should you try to move on.

A recent revelation of mine is that you don't need to be immediately attracted to someone to go on a date with them, or to even consistently date them. People think they need to feel the sparks and have their tummies flip flop when they meet someone in order to pursue it. THIS IS NOT SO!!!
Attraction often comes later! Yes, a lot of the times it comes right away, but like 70-80% of the immediate attraction is physical (that's a random number I picked, I actually have no idea. But the concept is true). Remember earlier, I was talking about groundwork? This is why. Like I said, the best relationships are founded on friendship. If you have a genuine mental connection with someone, PURSUE IT!!! If you have lots of similar interests, goals, likes/dislikes, etc... don't drop them just because you don't feel those sparks, keep them because you're laying out coals for your eventual fire. A relationship is something you work at. I've heard of people who dated for over a month before they were genuinely attracted to each other (then they ended up getting married). Again, in Mormon culture, the pressure to get married is intense and they think they need to feel attracted right away so that they can get married quickly. We don't all have to be like that. It is possible to take our time. Also, sometimes we date people who obviously like us much more than we like them. Well, what's wrong with that? If you have that mental connection, PURSUE IT!!! The attraction might come later. Lay out your coals and blow on them a little. If after a while, you still feel nothing, yeah, you'll have to break up. I know that's a hard thing, but that's just how life is. But come on, chances are if you really connected with this person, you'll grow to like them more and more until eventually it turns into attraction. You just have to allow yourself to think that way. (This is a recent discovery of mine, as I said. I only recently went on my very first second date.)

So boys, you can keep asking out all kinds of girls and then reject them because it just wasn't right; and girls, you can keep going out with every guy you meet and then reject them for the same reason, but you may have been throwing out perfectly good burning coals just because you didn't see a spark.

We're all just fumbling around trying to find out way in the world. We all seek companionship whether it be an actual relationship or just friendship. A relationship is simply a more intense form of friendship. I don't see why people frown upon relationships. Yes, our lives should not center around "finding a man," like it's literally our only purpose, but it's certainly not a bad thing. Lay out your coals, find your best friend if you can.