The Lord's Timing (My Story)

I have been meaning to write about this for a while now... This is my story.

When I was fourteen-years-old, I had my first seizure. It was early in the morning one summer of 2008. My sister woke up to find me convulsing on the ground. My poor family had no idea what was happening and had me rushed to the hospital. 

Of course it was established what had happened. The doctors assured my parents that sometimes people will have a random seizure that was triggered by random things. They figured that was what had happened to me, so I was sent home. 

However, I had not been home an hour before I had another one. Soon, I was in the ambulance again and headed back to the hospital. 

This was the beginning of a very long journey for me.

At the sleep clinic.
No, I didn't have brain surgery. I just had 15-20 wires taped to my head
and had to sleep like that while they scanned my brain.

Clearly, my first seizure had not been a random accident. Since I had had more than one seizure, I was now considered an epileptic (a person who has epilepsy). 

Epilepsy is “a central nervous system disorder (neurological disorder) in which nerve cell activity in the brain becomes disrupted, causing seizures or periods of unusual behavior, sensations and sometimes loss of consciousness.” 

Since I was fourteen, I have had hundreds of seizures (I cannot give an exact number. I didn’t start keeping track of them until a few years ago). I would only have them in the early morning while still asleep. I would usually fall out of bed (sometimes I would even make it to the door or into the hallway) and begin convulsing on the ground for about fifteen seconds up to a minute. I would always wake someone up (usually my sister since we shared a room for the majority of those years), who would then help me back into bed where I would sleep/pass out for a couple hours.

When I would wake up after a seizure, I would have a massive headache. It was a very specific headache. I could always tell when I had a seizure based on the headache alone. But there were other symptoms. I would feel shaky and super stiff. A lot of the time, I would feel sick. Sometimes I bit my tongue or my cheek during the seizure, so there would be sores in my mouth. I would also be extremely sleepy and weak. Overall, I felt like crap. I usually wouldn’t be up for school or anything after a seizure.

My brain waves.

After that first day, I continued to have more and more seizures. Soon, I was averaging two seizures a month. So, of course, I had to be put on medication. It is extremely difficult to match seizure meds for the patients since they are for the brain and central nervous system. 

The first medicine I tried, I had an allergic reaction to. I broke out in a full body rash and was sick for a couple weeks. Obviously, I was taken off that right away. 

The next one I took all the way through high school. It worked pretty well for the most part, my seizures decreased somewhat. However, we slowly started to notice it was affecting my memory. I swear, I was having short-term memory problems. I am telling you, when you take medicine for your brain, other things will start to get messed up. I remember that being a pretty tough time for me. I would forget things so quickly. I just could not retain any information, which was really hard while I was trying to graduate high school.

So, we presented the problem to my neurologist who suggested a different medicine. He told us that this new medicine was very effective in preventing seizures, but it would probably take time to adjust to it and it tended to have side-effects. I began taking that one right before I left for college. I am still taking this medicine to this day, but when I first started... It definitely took its toll on me:

First off, it messed with my appetite and my metabolism, and I lost nearly twenty pounds in a month (neither have been the same since). It also began to mess with my head, my emotions, and other chemicals in my body. 

I didn’t realize things had begun to change until I was in deep. Way deep. I was practically done with my second semester when I started to notice something was wrong. However, I tried to just brush it off as a phase and thought I would soon be back to normal in no time. But soon, it was my third semester and I was in way over my head. I still tried to make excuses for it, but to no avail.

In high school, I had always been a fairly stellar student. I mean, I wasn’t a straight-A, top of the class type, but I got decent grades and always tried to do my best. I didn’t always pay attention, but I knew how to pull my focus and get the job done. I wasn’t the most social person ever, but I knew how to talk to people. I had some talents. And those talents I had, I was good at (not to toot my own horn) and I loved doing them.

But suddenly, all of that seemed distorted or gone completely. I was not the person I once was. I wasn’t Kelsi anymore. I had horrible grades, I could not focus on anything, I could not finish anything, I was even less social than I was before, I was losing my ability to talk to people, and I was even losing my talents. (Like, I honestly could not play the piano anymore.) Something was seriously wrong. My dad often described me as having a fazed-over look in my eyes, like I wasn’t all there.

This did not suddenly happen though. It was a very gradual thing. I just kept sinking deeper and deeper into it. I got two warnings of an impending suspension from the school after each of my first two semesters, but I kept telling my parents and myself that I would do better next time, that it was just a fluke. I had received bad grades before and I had managed to fix it. Everything would be alright... But it just kept getting worse.

I had begun to notice my lack of focus and minor short-term memory problems before my third semester had started, so I made sure that my dad mentioned something about it in the traditional before-school-father’s-blessing. He, of course, blessed me with focus and perseverance to get through the semester. And then I went off to school.

I did manage to get through the semester, but that was all I did. Get through, not succeed. I tried though. I really did try to be a good student. But my attention span had deteriorated and my motivation to even go to a lot of my classes was not great. I didn’t even like going to church! Family home evening was a drag, I never went out socially. If I went anywhere, it was usually by myself. It was like all my bad qualities were surfacing and becoming much more prominent while all my talents and good qualities were deteriorating and disappearing.

I only ever wanted to sit/lie around all day watching TV. That was all the brainpower I could/wanted to muster. If I ever tried to make a movie, write a story, draw a picture, or something else I used to love to do, I would never finish it or even begin. I would just think about it and then never get around to it.

I was stuck in a rut.

Before I knew it, I was suspended for poor grades. That was a significant blow for me. I didn’t know what I was going to do. If I didn’t go to school, then what was I supposed to do? I tried writing an appeal letter to the school, explaining my situation with my seizures, but they replied back, telling me that I should get a hold on my situation before returning. 

Grudgingly and sadly, I returned home.

My neurologist, Dr. Austin

On suspension, you have to remain home for two consecutive semesters before returning, so I had to figure out what I was going to do for that time. Of course, my parents wanted me to get a job. January 2013, I began job hunting. I swear, I turned in at least twenty applications to different stores and nobody called me. 

February came around. I had been living at home for an entire month. All my trials really began to overwhelm me at that point; being suspended from school, not having a job, losing my talents, losing my memory, no social life, no friends, no boyfriend (yeah, even that sometimes), no certain future, feeling out of tune with heaven. I was seriously border-lining depression. Practically everyday, all I would do was wallow and despair over my terrible situation. I had the hardest time getting up in the morning.

I began trying to get back in touch with my spiritual side since I really was not feeling it anymore. I knew that if anything, God could help me. So I read the scriptures every night, playing the old “turn to a random page” game. 

On February 14, Valentines Day, I had a heartfelt prayer about where my life was supposed to be going and why things couldn’t be better, and then opened the scriptures randomly to D&C 39:8-12. 

Basically, to sum it up, it said that your heart is in the right place before me, I know you have seen great sorrow because you have been prideful and focusing on worldly things. But you’ll soon be delivered if you will listen to me. (Then it said to be baptized, but I knew it meant something else for me since I was already baptized). And if you do this, I have prepared you for a great work to preach the gospel.

I fell asleep pondering that.

The next morning, February 15, I began to despair over my unemployment again and how basically every single one of my talents didn’t come naturally to me anymore. My future did not seem very bright to me. What was I supposed to do? 

Upset, I went and got my patriarchal blessing. It talked about how I would be of service to my fellow men and how many people will want to know more about the truth through my example. My mind immediately jumped to a mission (since with the recent age change, everyone had been asking me if I was planning on going, and it had been on my mind lately), but it couldn’t be. It just meant everyday life, right? Then it said, “I bless you with health and strength of both mind and body that you might accomplish all of the things that the Lord will have you do.”

That struck me hard. Lately I really hadn’t had strength of body or mind at all, that was why things had been so hard. But then I realized it said, “that the Lord will have you do”. Then I remembered the scriptures I had read the previous night and how they had said that deliverance was near if I would hearken unto His voice. I put a mission in the place of baptism in the scripture, and it fit me perfectly!

My patriarchal blessing had been telling me for so long, but I was blind to it. I knew it was what I had to do. So the process was soon set in motion.

For months, we worked on getting my papers in. At last, I had something to work towards. I had a purpose! Since I had a medical condition, there were some extra papers and stuff that had to be signed and looked over by my neurologist. 

As we worked on the papers, I still hunted for a job. Of course, I thought it was pointless now, since I was convinced I would be leaving soon. I was so sure that the Lord wanted me to go on a mission. The answer had been so clear.

We got most of the paperwork done, my doctor happily complied with us and sent stuff off to Salt Lake. We learned that I would probably have to serve somewhere in the States because of my epilepsy, which I was totally fine with. But then... we received news from Salt Lake:

I could not officially turn in my papers until I had gone six months seizure-free.

That was a huge blow once again. The longest I had ever gone without having a seizure was four months. There was no way that I would ever make it to six. I typically had one every two or three months since I had started the new medication. 

Sadly, I had to give up on the idea of a mission. I was so confused though. I had been so sure that was what the Lord wanted me to do. Nevertheless, I moved on.

Shortly thereafter, at the very end of November 2013, I managed to secure a job at Togo’s Sandwiches. I worked there for nearly two years. 

After a while, I got so sick of working at that place. I tried multiple times to get out. I applied to several different places, but once again, it seemed like something was conspiring against me and nobody would hire me. So, I had no choice, but to continue working there.

After I gave up on the mission papers, I had to decide what I wanted to do with my life. I decided I would just work for the time being. I rediscovered my love for writing and began to write a novel. I got it in my head that maybe I could be good enough without school and decided that I didn’t want to go back. I had been home for more than the two consecutive semesters, but I decided I didn't need school. I was comfortable just being at home, working, and writing. I thought that I could finish my book, get it published, make some money off of it (I wasn’t expecting a ton, just some), and then go from there.

However, my job really began to ware on my. By August 2015, I just could not take it anymore. After another rejection at a job interview, I went straight home, upset. “How can I get out of this if not by getting another job?” I couldn’t just quit because then I’d be sitting at home, useless, which my parents would not allow. I needed to be productive. 

So, totally spur of the moment, I got onto the internet and applied for classes at BYU-Idaho. It was my only escape!

I was accepted and put on the Winter-Spring track since I missed the Fall deadline. So, I was going back to school after all.

(I quit work a couple months later.)

So... it has been quite the ordeal. Here I am, second semester back at BYU-I, studying English-creative writing. I do not regret my spur-of-the-moment escape plan one bit.

What I would like to say about this whole thing is trust in the Lord’s timing. He always has a plan. My epilepsy has been a great trial for me through my life. It has seemed like an impediment for me at many times (as you can see). However, everything was always leading somewhere. 

That third medication caused me all sorts of problems. However, I have now gone almost a year and a half without having a seizure.

I thought I was supposed to go on a mission. What that revelation actually did was get me out of my rut and depression and give me a goal to strive towards. Once I was out of the rut, I found new goals.

I hated my job at Togo’s, but it taught me very valuable life skills and how to socialize better. It gave me something to do while I got a handle on myself once again, and taught me patience and perseverance. 

I was angry that I was not getting hired anywhere. I thought that something was conspiring against me (perhaps there was). So I ended up applying to BYU-I and returning to this wonderful environment to continue my education, make new friends/relationships, and establish a future career.

I am looking forward to what else will be uncovered on this chain of events. I keep thinking I’m seeing the big picture, but then more continues to be uncovered. What if I am meant to be here at BYU-I at this particular time? Because I am meant to meet certain people, or a job will be open when I graduate, or something else? It’s all so incredible to think about! Trust the Lord. He knows what He is doing.