Images and Insecurity

How everybody views themselves fascinates me. It is an extremely rare moment when you find someone who is 100% pleased with the way they look. 

We all have our insecurities and for some reason, we are convinced that everyone else notices them and is staring at them all them time, judging. Maybe they are, maybe they aren’t, but is that any reason to stop us from going out into the world?

I think sometimes, people are afraid to even try to accept their flaws and insecurities. They get so hung up on them and let them consume their lives. 

Now, there’s a difference between accepting your flaws and submitting to them. Accepting your flaws is just accepting that they are part of you and loving that they are what makes them who you are. Submitting to them is sort like of letting them control you. You wish you could change them, but accept defeat and live your life in mourning, loathing yourself every time you see those defects.

Sometimes these things you hate about yourself are not even “flaws” at all. You might hate the way your nose is shaped, your legs are too long, you have too many freckles, you’re too short, you wish you had thicker hair, or something. All of these things make up who you are.

You would be surprised how often people do not even notice any of these things when they look at us. Even the most beautiful people in the world have their insecurities. I believe it is just because we have to look at ourselves everyday and we notice every single thing, so we notice the faults. We should not do that. Look for the good instead!

For example, me. Here’s a picture of me without makeup:

Now a list of my insecurities: gaunt face, red nose, yellowish teeth, funky-shaped shoulders, white skin, thin and stringy hair, thin eyebrows, and dry eyelids.

Were any of you struck by any of that while looking at that picture right off the bat? (I hope not.)

It’s taken years, but I have slowly gained confidence in my own self image. I mean, clearly I still have those insecurities, but I am able to look in the mirror and think to myself, “Yes. You look good. You are awesome!”. And that is how it started, just by thinking. 

Don't look in the mirror and automatically think, “Ugh, I look horrible. What is wrong with me?”. You have to force yourself to think, “Yes, I look good today. I am awesome!” even if you don’t believe it. Just force yourself to think it. Look for all the things you like about the way you look. Your hair, your eyes, the way you stand, your smile, I don’t know. But look for them all and then think, “I look good today.” Do not put yourself down. 

Do that every time you look in the mirror or at a picture of yourself. Do not look for the bad qualities, but look for the good and absolutely do not think you look bad, even if you really do. Say it out loud if it helps.

Eventually, you will start to believe it. I promise. It will not just happen overnight. It took me years to build up my confidence. But now I can look in the mirror and think, “Yes, I like the way I look.” (Most of the time. I do have bad days. But I think it anyways!)

There’s a difference between self-confidence and being stuck up. Thinking you look good is not being conceited. You’re just boosting your self-esteem. It only crosses the line into pride when you begin flaunting it around to other people, asking for praise, thinking you look better than other people, etc.

Here’s what I say: You are stuck in your body until you die so you might as well get used to it. Love this blessing you have been given! Don’t insult this beautiful artwork God has created for you.

Watch this awesome video! Please!

All the Times Chandler Bing was Me

I have found that the character Chandler Bing from the TV show, Friends is the most relatable character ever written. I think I am actually him.

I have selected a few of his quotes that sum up my actual thoughts, feelings, and personality to the "T"!

I speak largely through sarcasm

Humor is my only defense

I think I'm hilarious (and will laugh at my own jokes even in private)

I exist to point out others' follies (mainly through sarcasm)

Love and romance is tough

Like really tough

I am extremely awkward (and very aware of it)

Always regretting my decisions (this goes hand-in-hand with the awkwardness)

With an internal monologue that constantly scolds me

No one ever listens to me

What is life?

Does this one need an explanation?

Laziness

Always pretending I know what's going on

Any time you ask me this question:

Me: A Summary:

The Lord's Timing (My Story)

I have been meaning to write about this for a while now... This is my story.

When I was fourteen-years-old, I had my first seizure. It was early in the morning one summer of 2008. My sister woke up to find me convulsing on the ground. My poor family had no idea what was happening and had me rushed to the hospital. 

Of course it was established what had happened. The doctors assured my parents that sometimes people will have a random seizure that was triggered by random things. They figured that was what had happened to me, so I was sent home. 

However, I had not been home an hour before I had another one. Soon, I was in the ambulance again and headed back to the hospital. 

This was the beginning of a very long journey for me.

At the sleep clinic.
No, I didn't have brain surgery. I just had 15-20 wires taped to my head
and had to sleep like that while they scanned my brain.

Clearly, my first seizure had not been a random accident. Since I had had more than one seizure, I was now considered an epileptic (a person who has epilepsy). 

Epilepsy is “a central nervous system disorder (neurological disorder) in which nerve cell activity in the brain becomes disrupted, causing seizures or periods of unusual behavior, sensations and sometimes loss of consciousness.” 

Since I was fourteen, I have had hundreds of seizures (I cannot give an exact number. I didn’t start keeping track of them until a few years ago). I would only have them in the early morning while still asleep. I would usually fall out of bed (sometimes I would even make it to the door or into the hallway) and begin convulsing on the ground for about fifteen seconds up to a minute. I would always wake someone up (usually my sister since we shared a room for the majority of those years), who would then help me back into bed where I would sleep/pass out for a couple hours.

When I would wake up after a seizure, I would have a massive headache. It was a very specific headache. I could always tell when I had a seizure based on the headache alone. But there were other symptoms. I would feel shaky and super stiff. A lot of the time, I would feel sick. Sometimes I bit my tongue or my cheek during the seizure, so there would be sores in my mouth. I would also be extremely sleepy and weak. Overall, I felt like crap. I usually wouldn’t be up for school or anything after a seizure.

My brain waves.

After that first day, I continued to have more and more seizures. Soon, I was averaging two seizures a month. So, of course, I had to be put on medication. It is extremely difficult to match seizure meds for the patients since they are for the brain and central nervous system. 

The first medicine I tried, I had an allergic reaction to. I broke out in a full body rash and was sick for a couple weeks. Obviously, I was taken off that right away. 

The next one I took all the way through high school. It worked pretty well for the most part, my seizures decreased somewhat. However, we slowly started to notice it was affecting my memory. I swear, I was having short-term memory problems. I am telling you, when you take medicine for your brain, other things will start to get messed up. I remember that being a pretty tough time for me. I would forget things so quickly. I just could not retain any information, which was really hard while I was trying to graduate high school.

So, we presented the problem to my neurologist who suggested a different medicine. He told us that this new medicine was very effective in preventing seizures, but it would probably take time to adjust to it and it tended to have side-effects. I began taking that one right before I left for college. I am still taking this medicine to this day, but when I first started... It definitely took its toll on me:

First off, it messed with my appetite and my metabolism, and I lost nearly twenty pounds in a month (neither have been the same since). It also began to mess with my head, my emotions, and other chemicals in my body. 

I didn’t realize things had begun to change until I was in deep. Way deep. I was practically done with my second semester when I started to notice something was wrong. However, I tried to just brush it off as a phase and thought I would soon be back to normal in no time. But soon, it was my third semester and I was in way over my head. I still tried to make excuses for it, but to no avail.

In high school, I had always been a fairly stellar student. I mean, I wasn’t a straight-A, top of the class type, but I got decent grades and always tried to do my best. I didn’t always pay attention, but I knew how to pull my focus and get the job done. I wasn’t the most social person ever, but I knew how to talk to people. I had some talents. And those talents I had, I was good at (not to toot my own horn) and I loved doing them.

But suddenly, all of that seemed distorted or gone completely. I was not the person I once was. I wasn’t Kelsi anymore. I had horrible grades, I could not focus on anything, I could not finish anything, I was even less social than I was before, I was losing my ability to talk to people, and I was even losing my talents. (Like, I honestly could not play the piano anymore.) Something was seriously wrong. My dad often described me as having a fazed-over look in my eyes, like I wasn’t all there.

This did not suddenly happen though. It was a very gradual thing. I just kept sinking deeper and deeper into it. I got two warnings of an impending suspension from the school after each of my first two semesters, but I kept telling my parents and myself that I would do better next time, that it was just a fluke. I had received bad grades before and I had managed to fix it. Everything would be alright... But it just kept getting worse.

I had begun to notice my lack of focus and minor short-term memory problems before my third semester had started, so I made sure that my dad mentioned something about it in the traditional before-school-father’s-blessing. He, of course, blessed me with focus and perseverance to get through the semester. And then I went off to school.

I did manage to get through the semester, but that was all I did. Get through, not succeed. I tried though. I really did try to be a good student. But my attention span had deteriorated and my motivation to even go to a lot of my classes was not great. I didn’t even like going to church! Family home evening was a drag, I never went out socially. If I went anywhere, it was usually by myself. It was like all my bad qualities were surfacing and becoming much more prominent while all my talents and good qualities were deteriorating and disappearing.

I only ever wanted to sit/lie around all day watching TV. That was all the brainpower I could/wanted to muster. If I ever tried to make a movie, write a story, draw a picture, or something else I used to love to do, I would never finish it or even begin. I would just think about it and then never get around to it.

I was stuck in a rut.

Before I knew it, I was suspended for poor grades. That was a significant blow for me. I didn’t know what I was going to do. If I didn’t go to school, then what was I supposed to do? I tried writing an appeal letter to the school, explaining my situation with my seizures, but they replied back, telling me that I should get a hold on my situation before returning. 

Grudgingly and sadly, I returned home.

My neurologist, Dr. Austin

On suspension, you have to remain home for two consecutive semesters before returning, so I had to figure out what I was going to do for that time. Of course, my parents wanted me to get a job. January 2013, I began job hunting. I swear, I turned in at least twenty applications to different stores and nobody called me. 

February came around. I had been living at home for an entire month. All my trials really began to overwhelm me at that point; being suspended from school, not having a job, losing my talents, losing my memory, no social life, no friends, no boyfriend (yeah, even that sometimes), no certain future, feeling out of tune with heaven. I was seriously border-lining depression. Practically everyday, all I would do was wallow and despair over my terrible situation. I had the hardest time getting up in the morning.

I began trying to get back in touch with my spiritual side since I really was not feeling it anymore. I knew that if anything, God could help me. So I read the scriptures every night, playing the old “turn to a random page” game. 

On February 14, Valentines Day, I had a heartfelt prayer about where my life was supposed to be going and why things couldn’t be better, and then opened the scriptures randomly to D&C 39:8-12. 

Basically, to sum it up, it said that your heart is in the right place before me, I know you have seen great sorrow because you have been prideful and focusing on worldly things. But you’ll soon be delivered if you will listen to me. (Then it said to be baptized, but I knew it meant something else for me since I was already baptized). And if you do this, I have prepared you for a great work to preach the gospel.

I fell asleep pondering that.

The next morning, February 15, I began to despair over my unemployment again and how basically every single one of my talents didn’t come naturally to me anymore. My future did not seem very bright to me. What was I supposed to do? 

Upset, I went and got my patriarchal blessing. It talked about how I would be of service to my fellow men and how many people will want to know more about the truth through my example. My mind immediately jumped to a mission (since with the recent age change, everyone had been asking me if I was planning on going, and it had been on my mind lately), but it couldn’t be. It just meant everyday life, right? Then it said, “I bless you with health and strength of both mind and body that you might accomplish all of the things that the Lord will have you do.”

That struck me hard. Lately I really hadn’t had strength of body or mind at all, that was why things had been so hard. But then I realized it said, “that the Lord will have you do”. Then I remembered the scriptures I had read the previous night and how they had said that deliverance was near if I would hearken unto His voice. I put a mission in the place of baptism in the scripture, and it fit me perfectly!

My patriarchal blessing had been telling me for so long, but I was blind to it. I knew it was what I had to do. So the process was soon set in motion.

For months, we worked on getting my papers in. At last, I had something to work towards. I had a purpose! Since I had a medical condition, there were some extra papers and stuff that had to be signed and looked over by my neurologist. 

As we worked on the papers, I still hunted for a job. Of course, I thought it was pointless now, since I was convinced I would be leaving soon. I was so sure that the Lord wanted me to go on a mission. The answer had been so clear.

We got most of the paperwork done, my doctor happily complied with us and sent stuff off to Salt Lake. We learned that I would probably have to serve somewhere in the States because of my epilepsy, which I was totally fine with. But then... we received news from Salt Lake:

I could not officially turn in my papers until I had gone six months seizure-free.

That was a huge blow once again. The longest I had ever gone without having a seizure was four months. There was no way that I would ever make it to six. I typically had one every two or three months since I had started the new medication. 

Sadly, I had to give up on the idea of a mission. I was so confused though. I had been so sure that was what the Lord wanted me to do. Nevertheless, I moved on.

Shortly thereafter, at the very end of November 2013, I managed to secure a job at Togo’s Sandwiches. I worked there for nearly two years. 

After a while, I got so sick of working at that place. I tried multiple times to get out. I applied to several different places, but once again, it seemed like something was conspiring against me and nobody would hire me. So, I had no choice, but to continue working there.

After I gave up on the mission papers, I had to decide what I wanted to do with my life. I decided I would just work for the time being. I rediscovered my love for writing and began to write a novel. I got it in my head that maybe I could be good enough without school and decided that I didn’t want to go back. I had been home for more than the two consecutive semesters, but I decided I didn't need school. I was comfortable just being at home, working, and writing. I thought that I could finish my book, get it published, make some money off of it (I wasn’t expecting a ton, just some), and then go from there.

However, my job really began to ware on my. By August 2015, I just could not take it anymore. After another rejection at a job interview, I went straight home, upset. “How can I get out of this if not by getting another job?” I couldn’t just quit because then I’d be sitting at home, useless, which my parents would not allow. I needed to be productive. 

So, totally spur of the moment, I got onto the internet and applied for classes at BYU-Idaho. It was my only escape!

I was accepted and put on the Winter-Spring track since I missed the Fall deadline. So, I was going back to school after all.

(I quit work a couple months later.)

So... it has been quite the ordeal. Here I am, second semester back at BYU-I, studying English-creative writing. I do not regret my spur-of-the-moment escape plan one bit.

What I would like to say about this whole thing is trust in the Lord’s timing. He always has a plan. My epilepsy has been a great trial for me through my life. It has seemed like an impediment for me at many times (as you can see). However, everything was always leading somewhere. 

That third medication caused me all sorts of problems. However, I have now gone almost a year and a half without having a seizure.

I thought I was supposed to go on a mission. What that revelation actually did was get me out of my rut and depression and give me a goal to strive towards. Once I was out of the rut, I found new goals.

I hated my job at Togo’s, but it taught me very valuable life skills and how to socialize better. It gave me something to do while I got a handle on myself once again, and taught me patience and perseverance. 

I was angry that I was not getting hired anywhere. I thought that something was conspiring against me (perhaps there was). So I ended up applying to BYU-I and returning to this wonderful environment to continue my education, make new friends/relationships, and establish a future career.

I am looking forward to what else will be uncovered on this chain of events. I keep thinking I’m seeing the big picture, but then more continues to be uncovered. What if I am meant to be here at BYU-I at this particular time? Because I am meant to meet certain people, or a job will be open when I graduate, or something else? It’s all so incredible to think about! Trust the Lord. He knows what He is doing.

Adventure is Out There!

I was just talking about this recently with a friend... adventure.

I think I have been pegged by many who know me as a kick-back and sort of lazy person. And yes, I sort of am. I’m not really one who’s often up for a lot of physical exercise, also a lot of my favorite activities include sitting. However, as I thought about this concept, I’ve come to realize that I have a rather adventurous spirit.

I really like going on adventures.

The definition of adventure is “an exciting or very unusual experience; a participation in exciting undertakings or enterprises; a bold, usually risky undertaking of uncertain outcome.”

I was not always like this. I used to like to keep to my own personal bubble and would never try new things.
People often misunderstand introverts. They think that being an introvert means that you hate doing social things and you just want to hide in your room all day without talking to anybody. While that partially true in some cases, what it actually is like is really wanting to do something, but not having the courage, confidence, and/or skill-set to do it.
Over the years, I have broken out of that shell and have gained more confidence to go out and do those things I had been too scared to do in the past.

With that said, it is maybe clear that I have always had an adventurous spirit, but it has not been very apparent until recently since I have become slightly more extroverted in some of my actions.

I, personally, find a strange thrill in exploring. I am very curious about a lot of things. Not just nature, but everything. I really like learning. I am all on board trips to museums, hikes at national parks (or any park, really), random trips into town, vacations in the mountains, and even a day at the beach (yes, you read that correctly).

I remember watching Yes Man (with Jim Carrey) when they went to the airport and caught the first flight they could get (having no idea what it would be), and just did stuff in the town where they arrived. I thought that would be so much fun to do one day.

An adventure doesn’t necessarily have to be some big trip though. Just something spontaneous and/or unexpected is good enough. Random trips to go get ice cream, trying out a new restaurant, making up a new recipe, climbing trees, or whatever. (Rock climbing is one of my favorite things ever!)

Adventures can be done alone or with people. I think that most of the time, they are a lot more fun with somebody. That may just be me and my “love language” of “quality time” talking, but honestly... isn’t it a lot more fun to go on vacation with someone than by yourself? Or shopping? Or on a hike? Or any of that stuff?

I just think that adventures should be undertaken more often. I am totally open for them. I am not often an instigator of them (because I sort of have it in my head that lots of people are not open to them), but if someone approaches me with an idea, I will usually be on board. “Adventure is out there!”

Personality Traits are Habits

Everyone has that one personality trait that has been a little bit of a challenge for them (or perhaps, for somebody else) in their life time. Why is it so hard to change?

Have you ever tried kicking a habit? Like stop drinking soda, or stop biting your nails, or stop leaving your dishes in the sink? It's really hard to do. I believe that actual personality traits are like habits.

When I was a kid and into high school, I was intensely shy. You would not catch me ever talking to someone I never met before unless forced into it (even then, I would sometimes put up a fuss). I would not even order food at restaurants because it scared me so much to talk to people. If a situation ever came up where I had to talk to someone, I would just decide, “Eh, I didn’t really want to do that anyway,” and not do it altogether.

Because of my shyness, I was completely anti-social. I hated parties and social events. I think I went to less than five Stake dances in my entire youth (and I was practically dragged there every single time). If I ever had to go somewhere with a lot of people, I would always just sit in the corner and not talk to anyone. Trips to the bathroom to sit on the toilet by myself were a common trend.

Having friends helped out, of course. I preferred to just chill with them, but if I ever had to go somewhere where there was potential for someone to approach me and talk to me or I would be forced into socializing with someone new (such as Stake dances or EFY), I absolutely refused.

I began to open up a bit in high school. I blame it all on my friend, Angela. Freshman year, she participated in the school play and had a blast. So, the next year, she wanted to do it again and wanted all of us to do it with her. Somehow, she managed to convince only me to do it. I felt comfortable since I would know someone there (her) and I signed up for an audition. However, at the last minute, right before auditions, she dropped out because of her busy schedule with ballet. 

I don’t remember exactly why, because it completely went against my character at the time, but I went to the audition anyway. I got a minor part and participated in the play. Like Angela did before me, I had a blast! I was surrounded by all sorts of new people and was forced to socialize. I made tons of new friends and had a lot of fun. It was then that I began to realize that talking to people is not so bad. I then participated in the play every year for the remainder of my high school career.

I continued to improve throughout the years in my social skills. I got immensely better after I secured a job at Togo’s and would often have to carry a conversation with chatty customers or befriend new coworkers.

Now that you know my entire history, I’ll get to the point: 

Even though I have become much more comfortable with talking to people, I still have lingering shyness and social anxiety. A lot of the time when I’m invited to a large social function, my first reaction is, “No way!”, but I have to stop and think about it and how fun it will actually probably be. 

Also, I always feel terribly awkward meeting people for the first time. I rarely make the first move. On anything. I have this overwhelming fear of rejection. I’m not usually consciously thinking about that though. Often, I just can’t think of what to say. I’m no good at thinking on my feet. (Hence, the writing.)

So, my main point:

Even though shyness is a personality trait, I think it is also sort of like a habit. I was shy for so many years of my life. It’s like an old habit I cannot get rid of. I’ve managed to improve myself a lot over the years that I actually kind of enjoy a lot of things I used to hate as a kid/preteen (such as dances). 

I think any sort of personality trait is like this: awkwardness, social anxiety, obliviousness, etc. 

There’s the saying “people never change” and I’m not sure if I agree with it or not. Based on my experience with the shyness, it seems that I might never change. I will always have the same reaction to social situations as I always have, even if they become a bit diluted. But then, looking back, I have definitely changed a little bit. Like I said, I do actually enjoy some things that I used to hate before, I can carry a conversation a lot more easily than I used to, I definitely don’t find it hard to order food anymore. 

It may have taken some time, but I have reached that point. It may take a lot more time, but maybe some day I will have conquered my shyness completely! The same can be said for any stumbling block in out lives. Like with habits, you really have to work at it to get rid of these pesky personality traits and natural reactions. You have to consciously think about it and make the decision.